Hospital Visit

Another Hospital
Another ICU
Another life at their hands

Fear surrounds me
Memories of the past return
The shock of that day remembered

All those machines
Those “white ladies”
Those doctors who visit

That person on the bed
With all the machines connected to her body
Maybe a love one or it could be you

For the loved ones of the patient
The anxiety is never ending
Until one gets better

In the past I have lost
Someone to death in a hospital
Someone who is very dear to me

Life became more complicated
Than it already is
For us who was left behind

Today, as I visit someone in the hospital
I felt depressed
Although she’s recovering

Perhaps it’s the hospital atmosphere
And memories of the past
That came rushing back

note:
I wrote this last night after I came from the hospital

untitled

Here I am
I can’t go any further
Because I am trapped
Trapped and nowhere to go
Choking but I can’t vomit

What I feel is emptiness
Emptiness that I can’t explain
I cry but I don’t know why
And I seek the reason
But I can’t find the answer

I see people pass me by
Why do I have this feeling
That they change and I remain
They learn to grow, I don’t
When will I be my turn then?


note:
I wrote this a long time ago
I think I wrote this in one of my class
So bored....

If I could

If I could free myself from these chains
I would climb the highest mountain
Reach for the farthest star
Swim the depths of the sea
Run that marathon
To find a meaning
To find what I want to do

But these chains bind me
I have a chain but there are no links
What am I chained to?
Did I just impose these chains on myself?
Can I find a way to free me?
Am I just afraid?
I might be for I don’t know myself
What I want
What I can do

My Girls. . .

Last Oct. 31, I met Bored in Katipunan. . . I was really really late, Mandy and Ruth are the first two to arrive. They arrive at 11:30. Take note, the call time was 1:00pm. They ate at Sweet Inspirations. I can’t believe that it was their first time to eat at that restaurant/pastry shop. Sweet Inspirations was there for as long as I can remember. My family and I used to go there to eat Mongolian so I don’t know how good the à la carte is. Mandy suggested to everyone NEVER to order the sinigang. Its like drinking vinegar. Nina ordered New York Cheesecake then everyone followed and bought herself a slice of a cake of her choice.

I arrive at around 2pm. For unknown reason/s I was late. (Bored! It’s my first time to be late!!). But I wasn’t the only one to be late. . .haha. Ruth invited Dianne to come with us. A special guest is not new to bored, last time the guest was Renren. (Remember EK? :-p)

Cartrid was fortunate enough to be allowed to go early. We’re fortunate that she was allowed to go early because we have free food. Guess where? At our fave place in katips, SHAKEY’S! Unfortunately, we were not able to sit at our usual table.

Mandy was supposed to leave early but when Cartid announced that she will treat us, Mandy said that she will stay. haha. What the word libre can do!

The usual scene when bored meet are cameras flashing (on that day the cam to people ration was 3:6), lol, gossiping, kamustahans and pigout. Haha. =)

Hope to see most if not all of you soon. . . =)

Note:
So sad, I was not able to bring my own cam. My sis borrowed it.
I was only able to finish downloading all of the pics this week.

Story of a Little Girl

There was a little girl
So innocent about the world around her
She love to do what other children does
She thinks like other children think
One of her illusions is of fairy tales
Mommy was the princess
Daddy was the handsome prince
And their house was the palace
So simple was the world for a child like her

Fate, however, became the wicked witch
For her innocence about the world was shattered
So shattered was she that she can no longer dream of a happy ending
Her illusion was ruined by the people
Who she thought would make real
The lines: happily ever after
And she thought, “fairy tales do not exists,
And those who believe it are doomed”

The little girl soon grew up
No longer believing in fairy tales and happy endings
She can no longer trust anyone, even herself
She believes that anyone would hurt her
So she casts a wall around her heart
Not permitting anyone to enter
But deep inside the little girl wants to reach out
For anyone who can help her
To mend her heart and break her walls

Mon Amie

I have a friend; we used to be classmates in our high school days. She is one of the few people who I think really knew me. There were times when I would go to her to tell her about the things that are bothering me. Yet, she never told me of her troubles.

She was gone for a long time and I never heard from her for a round a year. She never told me of her problems until recently. And to top it all, she told me not in a face-to-face meeting. I remember that I was able to catch up with her online and confirmed with her what one of our mutual friends knew; she said it was all true. But its not! All she told me were lies.

Was I shocked when I heard what really happened? I don’t know what I felt really. But the thought/idea bugged me for a long time. After I talked to several friends I have come to realize several things about her situation:

· She is not ready to handle the situation she is in (well, who would really be ready in a situation like hers?)

· She is at the losing end. No matter how I look at it, I always go back to the question: what about her future?

· As our 4^th year English teacher told us, nothing is more painful than dream unfulfilled

· For how long would they stay the way they are?

why i fear holding on than letting go

(a follow-up to a previous entry)

· I feel that if I hold on to someone/something for too long, it would be so painful letting go

· I might get use to having held on to somebody that I would loose who I am without it

· I lost the two poles that are supposed to be my foundation

· I am afraid of driving them away if I hold on to them

· I am afraid that the very few who I hold on to are going to let me go so easily

· I am afraid that if the ones I hold fails me, I would no longer be able to trust myself to hold on to another

· I might be shunned

realizations during a cold shower at 1 in the morning

• Life sometimes gives trials that are difficult to take head on, but it doesn't mean that life in not beautiful. La vie est trés belle.
• I fear holding on rather than letting go.
• Facing what we fear makes us a hell lot stronger.
• Acceptance makes things easier.
• To hell with forgive and forget. People say this all the time, but do they really practice what they preach? Of course you don't forget, especially if a person did something really bad towards you.
• No matter how hard you try to mask yourself, reality would wake you with a hard slap on your face.
• There are a lot of people who would hurt you and you can't go around it.
• Walk with your chin up, what is there to be ashamed of?

feeling drained and depressed

I hate this feeling. I have a lot of things to do but I just can't focus on anything. The week isn't even on its halfway, but the feeling is like it is already Thursday. My body wants to lie down and my brain already wants to shut down. I don't want to show may face to our thesis mentor tomorrow. I just don't want to think of what his comments will be on our paper. I just remembered, I have a lot of things to do tomorrow. Wednesdays are supposed to be my restday. Unfortunately, my professor scheduled a make up class. Thursday is a full day for me. I have 4 classes, each is a 1.5 hour class. I have to study for our graded dialogue in French, make handouts for my reporting and read the assigned materials for the two other classes (boring! plus, its long). I'm currently waiting for my thesis groupmate. I hope we finish early. . .

I'm discerning whether I would attend our make up class.

Trusting people??

Who are you to lecture of being careful on who to trust? You yourself do not know who you can trust. You do not know who are the people that only uses you. People who only stick by you because they need things from you.

If they know. . .

If they found out, I don't know what will happen. . . I might be shouted at. Again. I will be compared to my older sister. Why she is this and that. Even she would lecture me. I'm so tired being measured by what she is and what I'm not. Well, I might just admit to the fact that I'm a failure. . . I pray- wait, I don't do that- I wish I would be able to pull this off.

last exam

Tomorrow is my last exam day. It's for European Economics or EUROECO. I don't know how I should study for this subject. (*sigh*) Wish me luck!

Yesterday, my friend Pajoy came to Taft. . . She was meeting her cousin who studies in CSB to get something for her exam so she can transfer to CSB. From her music course in UST she's going to transfer to CSB and take HRIM. hehe. . .

I meet her in McDonald's with Steph. We talked about what happened to our "lives" and about a common friend, Dawn. We were all wondering what happened to her. Actually, I miss that girl. Then, the talk led to relationships of those two. . . no comment!

We were supposed to meet Pajoy after we took our exam, but unfortunately, she went home before we were able to go to our meeting place. . .

summer but not yet vacation

For this term, this is my first entry. I can't believe that I wasn't able to write, even once a month. (*sigh*) While everyone is already making way for the beach, other countries, other regions of the Philippines or anywhere else you wanna go or having all the time in the world to be a BUM, those who like me, who are in a trimester system, are on our way to finals week or if you are like the other med students who are taking up remedial classes. I had the Holy Week to study but do you think I studied? Of course not. It's so hard to study when everyone around me, is having their vacation. Oh! and I think I am going to fail my majors. . .

So what have happened to me during this term??

• I am so stupid to maximize my abscence in ENGLTRI. If I have known that there would be extra credit, if you never missed a class, I would have NEVER missed a single meting. But it's boring listening to the speeches of my classmates. . .
  
• I have a class during 4:50-5:50, MWF. It sucks! It's a major and by this time, all your energy is gone. . . As one of my classmates said, energy only lasts until 3 pm
• I swear, I hate the transformative type of learning. It requires a lot of your time researching, etc. But on the good side, you get to redeem your grade.
• There is one time, I skipped all of my classes for the day to go with my friends to Binondo.
• I skipped in all of my classes, at least once.
• I did my paper for my major on the day itself. Even the outline.
• I think I am going to fail my majors
• I love the sched MF 12:50-1:20
• I miss my long breaks, no matter how I ranted about it last term
• I am still continuing my French classes in alliance

So far this is all that I can recall. . . I think I am suffering from short term memory deficiency!!!

Funny

Just look. . .

Christmas Vacation

This is my first entry for the year 2007. Hope everyone had a nice vacation. Most of my Christmas vacation was spent at my grandmother’s house doing nothing, eating, watching koreanovelas, watching television, watching movies, eating, sleeping. Today is the start of classes but I still want to lie in bed the whole day, sleep late at night and watching what is there to watch.
_____________________________________________________________________

Thanks to my ever generous aunt, my sister and I joined her family and her friend’s family in Hong Kong last Dec. 22-25. She is so generous that the only thing we have to spend on was the things that we bought for ourselves and of course, the pasalubongs! We went to Victoria Peak, Hong Kong Island, Hong Kong Disney Land and the place where people live on their boat (sorry, I do not know what it is called). The Ocean Park was an optional trip; sadly, we did not go to Ocean Park because it was expensive.

One thing that I noticed about the people in Hong Kong is their fashion. Your in if you are wearing either boots or chucks with the kind of jacket that is worn during winter (with the fur).

both pictures are taken in Disneyland

Dec. 27. My sister and I went to the Duty Free with our Dad. He gave me money from the SSS of our mom but I end up using the money. I end up not having money for the rest of the Christmas season.

Dec. 28. I finally get to see some of my friends in high school. There never was a time when we were complete (sigh). Only Loraine, Pam, Ruth, Mandy and I are there. We met at gateway, as usual, they were late. We ate at Teriyaki Boy then, we watched Zsa Zsa Zaturnah. Sadly, Loraine wasn’t able to watch with us because she needs to go somewhere with her aunt.

Dec. 29. I went to Katipunan to see Mayit, Eleni and Loraine. I manage to go even if I was just informed the day before. I want to see them all because it will be a long time before I see them again. After Eleni and Mayit had gone, Loraine and I went to walk along Katipunan to see what has changed. While walking Loraine said she wants some dessert, so we went to Red Ribbon. We waited for her kabarkada who is going to her bank in West ave.

Jan. 2. Sadly, I wasn’t able to come to Katipunan to see Mayit, Eleni, Pam, Nina, Ruth and Cartrid. I went to La Salle to pay my tuition. I promised to visit the others in UST but who knows when I’ll have the time to visit them seeing how I hate my schedule.

I forgot to get my allowance from my dad. . . so, goodluck to me. . . no money. . . OH NO!!!!